So....I survived one of the most horrible bad awful days I've ever had. Thank you LeeAllie.
Sometimes the things we know are best for the people we love hurt us really deeply. That happened to me, ummmm, again. Another of my children moved out of state. A good thing. but painful beyond what I can describe.
It was a horrible bad awful day. The crying was soul wrenching. gut tearing. stopping and starting again. thought I was done. triggers set me off again. so so alone now.
How is it that even knowing it is such a blessing for my son and his wife, knowing each of my kids that I love beyond understanding are where they not only should be but in a great situation with the loves of their lives, how is this separation so painful that I want to.... well I'll not even go there.
The thing is I survived. Like running that extra mile or two. Like staying at work when you feel you can't. Like getting up in the middle of the night when you are beyond exhausted. But not quite like any of that. More like vomiting and dry heaves and fever and laying on the cold tile floor praying the sickness will pass.
And now. Survival isn't enough is it. Survival isn't enough. Moving forward. Pastor Ron talked about it today. 2013. Moving forward to a better tomorrow. Praying for wisdom to know the direction to a better tomorrow.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
My sweet superbaby grandson.
Just wait until you see the painting my talented daughter in law Brooke did of this superbaby photo. It is amazing!! Soon as I get back home to download a photo of it I shall share. In the mean time...
take a look at that gorgeous smile! My grandson is one juicy sweet peach!
trying trying trying not to be down today.
Well, it is Christmas day and I was so optimistic that my out look two days ago would hold. So hopeful that the great days I had on the 14th and 15th would overshadow the emptiness of today. Guess not.
Ran my 5 miles in wind chill temps of 10 to 15 degrees. Ouch. Oh my lungs. But I persevered. My coping mechanism at its best. baked some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. comfort food. napped. before noon. not looking good at that point for positivity.
Spending the night tonight at my son's empty apartment. Grateful not to have to deal with the weather. This is weird.
I feel determination building.
Moving toward a better tomorrow. More love. More authenticity. 2013.
Ran my 5 miles in wind chill temps of 10 to 15 degrees. Ouch. Oh my lungs. But I persevered. My coping mechanism at its best. baked some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. comfort food. napped. before noon. not looking good at that point for positivity.
Spending the night tonight at my son's empty apartment. Grateful not to have to deal with the weather. This is weird.
I feel determination building.
Moving toward a better tomorrow. More love. More authenticity. 2013.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
It's the most wonderful time of the year?
Well, that's what they say. The most wonderful time of the year. I'm pretty sure we Americans have been buying into and promoting the unachievable hype for the last hundred years or so.
Why are we dreaming of a white Christmas, for instance? Not because that's how Jesus started out.
Why do we insist on spending too much money on too many gifts our families don't need? Not because of our faith or religious beliefs.
Why do we get depressed when the holidays are all over and our bloated expectations are deflated while our bloated bellies are not? Not because we look forward to disappointment.
This year our family came together to celebrate my son's graduation and Christmas on the 14th and 15th rather than the 25th. Because of this earlier date all my last minute shopping was eliminated. Ran out of time. Overspending on presents far decreased but more planning went into the gifts. And the stress and panic of getting Christmas day "perfect" was not there, just because we held it on a different day, an earlier day and I looked at things a little differently. This year my focus was on having my little family together (including new grandson!). I can't remember enjoying a brunch with my immediate family, the chaos of 17 people for Christmas dinner or after dinner games and visiting more than I did this year.
And today, 2 days before so many will be celebrating their Christmas I am relaxing, grateful there is no stressful holiday approaching and I'm dreaming of a way to make my future Christmases more about love and kindness and less about what the retailers, movies and hallmark cards have imposed on our Christmas season.
Why are we dreaming of a white Christmas, for instance? Not because that's how Jesus started out.
Why do we insist on spending too much money on too many gifts our families don't need? Not because of our faith or religious beliefs.
Why do we get depressed when the holidays are all over and our bloated expectations are deflated while our bloated bellies are not? Not because we look forward to disappointment.
This year our family came together to celebrate my son's graduation and Christmas on the 14th and 15th rather than the 25th. Because of this earlier date all my last minute shopping was eliminated. Ran out of time. Overspending on presents far decreased but more planning went into the gifts. And the stress and panic of getting Christmas day "perfect" was not there, just because we held it on a different day, an earlier day and I looked at things a little differently. This year my focus was on having my little family together (including new grandson!). I can't remember enjoying a brunch with my immediate family, the chaos of 17 people for Christmas dinner or after dinner games and visiting more than I did this year.
And today, 2 days before so many will be celebrating their Christmas I am relaxing, grateful there is no stressful holiday approaching and I'm dreaming of a way to make my future Christmases more about love and kindness and less about what the retailers, movies and hallmark cards have imposed on our Christmas season.
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